Anatomia de "guy" factor - chapter 10

Let this post be an eye opener to the fair sex and please, please take this as a compliment rather than an insult. The mere plain acceptance will save lot of embarrassing and angry arguments in future. Two points
a) "Average simple Guys may behave unexpectedly when some girl passes by"
b) "Average simple Guys just don’t have the control of their eyes when looking at a girl and when I say no control, I mean absolutely no control. It is imbibed in their eye sockets to go down from the face to the anatomy below. "

Pretty wild eye-opener isn’t it? I will be putting forth an analytical as well as lateral view (pun not intended) with few anecdotes thrown in between. It was schmoozing time in our office pantry. The group was having serious talk over some project issues. Shivaji (formerly known as Kala Ana-name changed of course) and me were discussing some serious project problem with others listening intently. Shivaji : “Dude , the problem is not exactly limited to functional aspect in the technical design of the business requirement which aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh hummmmmmmm ??? so where was I, ok the thing is -----”. Me : “yes u r absolutely right” not listening to the last part of what Shivaji spoke.

Well don’t be taken aback, this was not a typo error of mine. According to Dave Barry, this phenomenon is commonly known as LIBF an acronym for a popular Guy disease (Lust Induced Brain Fuse). So what happened above was that the point where our kewl dude was going to make a point, unfortunately a new face (a beautiful girl) in our office chose that fortunate moment to enter into the pantry for a cup of tea. The kewl brain of his freezes as well as for other guys of our group and eyes socket took control. The brain finally after couple of seconds registers back and we are back on track with 75% of our guy brain still probing and recovering from the pleasant surprise. This is not always limited to a new face, it may be a regular face, or our own close girl buddies when they chose to display new wardrobe range or a change look.
Also there is some kind of telepathic understanding between the guys whereby all the approval and disapproval are shared simply by facial expression and eye contact. This does make our immediate opposite genders to be real mad because they are not able to catch the telepathic rays (thank god they are invisible).

The next matter of no contention is no matter what the distance is; the guy vision can make out a female breast as long as it is in the visible range. Guys have tremendous power of visual concentration but unfortunately no control what the eyes chooses to look at. Many say what is the big deal? Let me recount an experience. During my cyprus stint there were lots of beaches there where women and men alike go topless. Our motley group chose a hot afternoon to visit the beach on our 2nd day of Cyprus only. The first few hours were full of LIBF syndromes and visual pleasure. Finally after few hours, the brain finally considered that it is no big deal now, we chose a particular secluded bathing spot unanimously. We started having volleyball game and bath in the cool serene sea. All of a sudden a not so subtle arms flailing, a guy shouts “alert one, red priority, a naked breast in that direction” with the arms also pointing in the particular direction. The other guys after a mutual turn of head in the same direction for a few seconds start simultaneously shouting at the poor fellow: “hey u stupid, what is the big deal, we have already seen lots? Can’t u get out of it u pervert? Grow up Man! Stop showing your arm ! “.
The interesting observation here is that the guy just can’t shake it off and our brain automatically channelizes some of its resources for an analysis of what the eyes saw. It seems Mother Nature (once again) has chiseled out this unwritten behavior in the guy’s anatomy.
I have incurred a lot of baleful looks and disapproval tone from my female friends, sisters with my own guy behavior and I say to them “Can’t u understand, it is not actually me, it is the stupid eye sockets?”
As long as we guys are here, Sania Mirza with Big Bouncy Shot (tennis shots u dirty mind) are going to be in news always!!!!!!!

Anatomia de "guy" factor - Chapter 3

The other day Munnu my friend had just invented a new technique of how to crash the Internet explorer and internal communicator on his office PC.
Though he would be innocently stating that he has done nothing, which is going to fox the most learned one in Microsoft office help desk, if they try to fix the problem. It won’t be surprising that after much probing we would eventually come to know that he had isolated one of the important dll file among the vast resources of windows and has somehow managed to delete it. Seems the only solution as can be found out by going through FAQ of windows abuser is “Reformat and reinstall the OS”
“What is it with guys that prompt them to have such destructive mentality?” would be one of the typical man or woman’s responses. For my slanghindi (slang+hindi) language lovers the question would be “Ungal karne ki kya jaroorat thi ?“ As a guy I would say it is sheer talent and has nothing to do with destruction. As a guy, I would suggest these are just small annoying side-effects in the quest to learn and do something cool.
According to dave barry, while Men went to moon, guys invented mooning. Guys in history have played an important role in the world that we live in, but sadly!- These unwritten and unsung tales have been thrown piously around to rot in the sands of time.
Take the instance of cricket, nobody knows who invented cricket. While the latest in news is that French are saying that they are the pioneers of this noble game which was stolen by the british in 100 year war. I bet it would one of those bunch of guys who were forcefully put into army (british against french) and it was one of those off-fighting days when these brilliant bunch of guys to avoid the boredom and restlessness, just rounded on one and tried to throw their balls (literally) on one guy who, to avoid injury with legs covered defensively, kept hitting the balls splattering all around the field with his bat (literal bat) and thus the noble game of cricket was invented.
Dave Barry dedicated his book to the guy who invented the remote control in the modern world, and I was unable to find the actual scientist guy. Though I am pretty sure this dude was one hell of a lazy person to get up from the couch when he was watching TV, hence that frustration and the guy mind made him come up with the first remote control in Zenith Corporation which was ironically named “Lazy Bones”.
So in conclusion the next time you see a guy wasting his time over an horribly illogical thing and which will be not given second thoughts by men and the other gender, don’t laugh or get annoyed, he may be on the verge of major breakthrough :-) that would alter the mankind and for that matter womankind too (makes me wonder – was ever anything invented by woman at all?)

Anatomia de "guy" factor - Chapter 2

Well the series is going to talk about "guy" and its related "guyness" quotient. Before i start let me be honest with the fact that a.k.a Anu malik style, i
have ripped off the concept and words from Dave Barry's book combining with my actual anecdotes and experiences.
I am here to talk about an average guy and not about men which dave barry states that "Men" word itself is too serious not too mention "manhood" and "manly".
Also Chapter 1 is actually under construction as it is besotted with too many raw expletives and needs trimming. So lets start with this chapter. Shall we ??
I am making a statement for the benefit of fair sex ," Never assume that a guy really understands one's feelings and need in a relationship. "
And at this point i introduce my hero named "Kala Anna" (name changed) showing off his guy characteristics. He is one real kewl (cooler form of cool) guy.
The time was regular lunch hour in my very regular office on a very regular day where our
regular gang has just taken regular food and was boistorously eating the regularly horrible canteen food.
I will like to introduce our sensitive "Izzie the girlie" who had a bad dance ankle and is sitting directly opposite to "Kala Anna". The regular manager bashing and non-sensical jokes are flying all around.
Izzie mulling over her food states "My ankle is hurting real bad"
Kala Anna "Oh ! really , by the way this food is yeuck "
Izzie "hey Anna, dont feel like getting up, could you get me some daal (pulses)"
Kala Anna "Uh oh !!" perking up his ears to some of the interesting comment passed by other ppl .The momentarily raised topic died off soon.
Izzie after a while "Hey Anna, yaar , here is the bowl , please get me the daal from the food counter"
Kala Ana pretending not hearing the words looks at me "dude , she is telling something to u "
People suddenly getting interested in the antics
Izzie laughing but in annoyed tone "Anna , i am talking to u and cant u do me a favour, i really dont want to walk"
Kala Anna again laughing and simultaneously trying to push me "Is it really ? dude cant u hear ?" getting back to food
Again some moments passed with smiles all around, at which our Izzie the lady now all of a sudden without warning stands up and walks off towards the food counter
Raised expression everywhere , our kewl dude and some other ppl like me momentarily taken aback tries to call "Hey wait ! Izzie."
But Izzie just rushes off , Me and Anna just glance at each other in helplessness and resume with our food
Izzie comes back and silently starts sipping on her daal. An awkward silence has just hung up on the table.
Our dude getting enough boldness tries to pacify her and starts "Hey Izzie, i was just joking re, just -----"
At this point Izzie the girlie breaks down with tears streaming fast down her cheeks and our dude all startled , his eyes popping out "WHAT ?" and as if ashamed he just silently attacks the food again with eyes fixedly at his plate.



So , let me explain what i meant with sharing this anecdote. While it is difficult to speculate into actual thought process of the Izzie , she might be having lot of hurt feelings that people dont understand her, they always make fun, there is no good relationship, etc etc and lot more other possible ramifications, the sum total Anna's thought over this incident would be "Huh? (lot of startled expression attached)! was the daal really so good today ?". Women have lot of trouble accepting this fact that Guys do not understand about other's feeling in a relationship and not be sensitive like theydo. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary they still cling on some nonexistent hope that their man would be sweet and really understand them completely. For heaven's sake mother nature has not made us like that ! Complain it to her !

Our guy brain is inappropriate to think much, it is basically an analytical, problem solving type of organ which like things to be in quantifiable so as to be measured.

A guy in a relationship is like an ant standing on top of truck tyre. The ant is aware, on a very basic level, that something large is here, but he cannot dimly comprehend what this thing is, or the nature of his involvement with it. And if the truck starts moving and the tyre starts to roll, the ant will sense that something important is happening, but right up until he rolls around to the bottom and is squashed into a small black dot, (WHAM !!!) , the only distinct thought that will form in his tiny brain will be and I double quote "Huh?"

Passion

One of the most sober line that i encountered was

"It is better to burn rather than to fade away"

I picked this up when reading the suicide note of Kurt Cobain - the lead vocalist of the rock group "Nirvana"
Visit one of the site.

Isnt this true ? when u lose the passion of something completely sldn't we just obliterate it alltogether rather than wait for "Time"/ "Natural course" to kill the incurable pain.

Dont worry, i for one could not lose any passion of life while there is a chicken burger round the corner for another 20-30 years. It is just for other small small things like "Cutting b'day cake on the occasion of my b'day.... had to do for my frnds even when i just felt like vomiting. It is not fair to them and me ?"

"Maintenance" - A cliche

To my software fraternity, SDLC is an old concept that each one of us is aware of. My question for you is - Which phase of SDLC do you think is the most important ? As a die- hard coder and developer my first instinct goes with Design phase. But after deep retrospection my answer would be "Maintenance and Upgradation" phase.
An application or a product in the software world would have dire repercussion if we don’t provide support to the customer in the form of defect fixes, adding new functionality as per the need. In fact one of the major revenue context is associated with the maintenance phase.

I would like to extend this for each product life cycle (use and throw can be an exception here). A product can hit a market with all the fanfare but after initial euphoria dies, it boils down as to how much the product can sustain itself with the consumer to be a success. Most Car dealers are now offering a free maintenance checkup tag to attract customers. Cola companies have to keep creating new advertisement to keep the interest of the consumers alive in its product. Imagine an Air plane after all it’s near flawless production is not maintained.

Now interestingly the extension of my theory can also be applied to life. I consider that a person’s growth can be measured by seeing how one has nurtured (in other words maintained and upgraded) one’s assets, liabilities, relationship, confidence and knowledge. I bought a new set of wheels and I now feel the hardest part is the maintenance aspect. I get the accolades if it is all washed up and propped up but get a look of disdain if it is all muddy and scratched up. Same thing applies with relationship. It is almost easy to start a new relation but it only survives if you are able to maintain it. A boy or girl is elated if they make friendship with their crushes. But the majority never works into serious relationship because they are not able to maintain it when faced with adversity and expectation. How many of you are able to keep in touch with your old friends and relatives? So the next time you buy a product or enter into a relationship, sincerely answer yourself a question – “Are you ready and able to maintain it ? ”.

To many of us the word “Maintenance” sure looks easy, boring but I feel it is one of the most difficult noun/aspect of life. I started writing blogs two days back, seeking and getting the laurels that I expected from my friends. Would I be able to maintain it??? Touché

Group-ism as in layman's view

You have seen it everywhere from your early schooldays right to your office workplace. A small huddle of shoulders , a clusture of heads hanging around in a imaginary circle as if creating their own private domain on a public ground separated from other mass of people or maybe another cluster. Yes i am talking about "Groups" - an euphemism of a three or more person forming an elite private band having its own set of rules and rituals. I am categorically stating that a group can be formed only if it has three or more human elements. Two person are reserved for expression "Couples" or just "Good Pals". I strongly think that there is an inherent human social nature and a need to associate oneself to a particular group.


How a group is formed ? My perception is that a group can only be formed between a set of people if they find a common turf - set(s) of common agenda. This acts as a bonding factor which glues the group. The bonding can be as abstract like "Eating habits" to more concrete "Skin colour, region specific". In IT software world it could be as varying from a "Specific Project team" to simply "Manager bashing". Any person in a group not sharing this bonding factor will eventually be thrown off and cut off either implicitly or explicitly. Occasional strayers are allowed within the group but then that would be for a couple of moments as a flash of thunderstorm until it passes away.


How long does it take for a group to form ? I would say it all depends on the vibes within a set of people. It could be like within minutes. For instance in a tourist sightseeing tour , all the chinese, taiwanese people would combine and form a group within moments just by seeing each other face. I dont know how do they distinguish between each other so fast because for me all are "Chinkis". Anyway that is beside the point.


Coming back to the topic let me pen down a few of my observation about a group. There are always small subgroup(s) within a group. Generally a common group does not have a leader or spokesperson but some individuals contribute so much that a group almost personifies that individual's nature. There is always a matter of contention that one's group is superior to another group. Individuals within a group may have lot of issues with each others but somehow they still mantain the unity and bonding most of the time. The reason maybe that few cross-linked chain are formed within a group that bonds each and everyone to each other. I found out that once a group has been formed and lived out its infancy, it is very difficult for a new member to be accepted as an elite member within a group. Often a group would be overheard of making snide remarks OR fun about somebody OR something which again forms a bonding factor.

Finally a group dissolves over a period of time whence individualistic pursuit to success takes
precedence to groupism. Each one taking its own cherished memories and prized possessions like photographs, videos etc of the GANG (some even name their group) to further land making new friends and new groups or simply becoming a couple. Some group stay on in the virtual world but that personal touch is lost.

About me and my midlife crisis

This post is going to be all about the ubiquitous "Self " - me
As just being another stereotype guy wishing to break the mould and not really trying , I live in the glory of the past, crappy things of present and scared of future. Ofcourse the scary future becomes crappy present and crappy present becomes glorified past. That makes me sort of pessimist and introvert to some extent.
Life as i comprehend is all about living upto expectation, having expectation and destiny. To recapitulate about my life until now, i have been a lost soul trying to know myself and please my alter ego with materialistic achievements, trying too hard to be a samaritan and 75% failure in relationships ( And please don't dwell in how i came across on the above mathematical solution of relativity because that would make you experience the horror of my eccentricity. Just accept the fact on face value! ).
Some wiseass i presume must have said on whim - "Life is constant processs of self realization". This sentence at one point of time (teenage mostly) was music to my ears but today it is like a curse because i am not able to portray myself in clear terms. This is one of the major factor of my midlife crisis that i am undergoing right now.
General aquaintance look to me as a person earning good easy bucks, having a noticeable friend circle, eligible bachelor, living a life with decent amenities, jolly kind which for all things maybe the fact. But why is that i dont believe in this person? I read novels, watch movie, have philosophical conversation for fun but deep within also trying to find a character whom i can identify with , failing miserably. The reason of this non-belief and low self confidence is because i dont know myself !!!!!!
I tend to be happy and content with what i perceive of a situation only to change into grumpy unreasonable git after some time for the same set of situation. What my "Self" realizes to have different emotion at different time ? The answer may lie in Others at this point !!! The expectation in others comes into picture here and to avoid this i withdraw myself to self made cocoon of "Loneliness" every now and then.
Anyway this brings to my next point. I truly live for my friends and family !! I desperately seek to be loved and to be special in everybody's life whom i come contact to. And this may well be true for everyother human being. The thing which segregates each one is the degree of expectation one can live up to and degree of expectation one has and ofcourse how one reacts to what other person tells, feels and percieve of certain act and actions in a relationship. This is where i might have overdone or underdone things. Also to some extent i love to be in company of fair sex which backfired sometimes real hard. But still i am thankful to god that in the process i have been blessed with some real good friends who makes me feel sane , makes me come back to life after bouts of depression. While family is important I can never ignore the fact that without these "Friends" life would really have been a horrifying freak show. They make me understand My "Self" better.
Well of all the blah blah above, what i really wanted to communicate is the fact that i dont know about myself to able to describe myself. I dont know how much i can take the crap of life or how happy,content i can be of good things that comes across.
If you can help please do so ! [:)]