About me and my midlife crisis

This post is going to be all about the ubiquitous "Self " - me
As just being another stereotype guy wishing to break the mould and not really trying , I live in the glory of the past, crappy things of present and scared of future. Ofcourse the scary future becomes crappy present and crappy present becomes glorified past. That makes me sort of pessimist and introvert to some extent.
Life as i comprehend is all about living upto expectation, having expectation and destiny. To recapitulate about my life until now, i have been a lost soul trying to know myself and please my alter ego with materialistic achievements, trying too hard to be a samaritan and 75% failure in relationships ( And please don't dwell in how i came across on the above mathematical solution of relativity because that would make you experience the horror of my eccentricity. Just accept the fact on face value! ).
Some wiseass i presume must have said on whim - "Life is constant processs of self realization". This sentence at one point of time (teenage mostly) was music to my ears but today it is like a curse because i am not able to portray myself in clear terms. This is one of the major factor of my midlife crisis that i am undergoing right now.
General aquaintance look to me as a person earning good easy bucks, having a noticeable friend circle, eligible bachelor, living a life with decent amenities, jolly kind which for all things maybe the fact. But why is that i dont believe in this person? I read novels, watch movie, have philosophical conversation for fun but deep within also trying to find a character whom i can identify with , failing miserably. The reason of this non-belief and low self confidence is because i dont know myself !!!!!!
I tend to be happy and content with what i perceive of a situation only to change into grumpy unreasonable git after some time for the same set of situation. What my "Self" realizes to have different emotion at different time ? The answer may lie in Others at this point !!! The expectation in others comes into picture here and to avoid this i withdraw myself to self made cocoon of "Loneliness" every now and then.
Anyway this brings to my next point. I truly live for my friends and family !! I desperately seek to be loved and to be special in everybody's life whom i come contact to. And this may well be true for everyother human being. The thing which segregates each one is the degree of expectation one can live up to and degree of expectation one has and ofcourse how one reacts to what other person tells, feels and percieve of certain act and actions in a relationship. This is where i might have overdone or underdone things. Also to some extent i love to be in company of fair sex which backfired sometimes real hard. But still i am thankful to god that in the process i have been blessed with some real good friends who makes me feel sane , makes me come back to life after bouts of depression. While family is important I can never ignore the fact that without these "Friends" life would really have been a horrifying freak show. They make me understand My "Self" better.
Well of all the blah blah above, what i really wanted to communicate is the fact that i dont know about myself to able to describe myself. I dont know how much i can take the crap of life or how happy,content i can be of good things that comes across.
If you can help please do so ! [:)]